Am I Enough?
Am I Enough?
‘Am I enough’ is a question I used to ask myself often. A little too often.
This blog is going to be a little more raw and transparent. This blog is going to open a window into my life. Being vulnerable is not easy for me. I had been going back and forth on what to write.
Do I protect people or do I save souls?
God made it abundantly clear that I needed to save souls.
Growing up life was very strict for me. I was the first child. I call myself the learning child - lol! My mom knows this. She did an AMAZING job. As I was becoming a young adult, I compared myself a lot to others around me and how their parents were raising them.
That pesky comparison came in and blinded me from being thankful for what I did have.
Because I was lost living everyone else's lives, I began to lose site of who I was. I became weak and valued myself through the eyes of others except for the eyes of God. Becoming so weak caused me to find love in all the wrong places. I had my son at the age of 19. His father and I were not in a relationship at the time. I went through my pregnancy alone because he refused to talk to me. (that is a story for another time). Once my mom found out about the pregnancy and learned who the father was, she was determined for him to be part of his son’s life. She was a great PI. I didn’t know she had it in her.
He showed up at my mom’s house the day before our child was due. I was angry, betrayed, annoyed, and just disappointed. I wanted to say all of those things but didn’t know how. So, instead I stayed quiet and welcomed him with open arms.
This was the beginning of a very ugly life for me.
After I had my son, my hormones were all over the place, and watching his dad be a dad tugged at my heartstrings, despite the unspoken hurt he had already caused. On top of that, there was tension in my parent’s home between me and mom, so I decided to move out and move in with him and his family. Big mistake. No regrets.
Everything happens for a reason, which you will learn soon.
The next 11 years of my life were full of some of the ugliest moments that I could have never imagined. He became a drinker. Not every day, but the days he would drink, it was A LOT. When he would drink, he would become verbally abusive. Tearing my mind apart, piece by piece, until I began to believe the lies he was telling me.
“If I left, no one would want me with 3 kids.”
“I am sorry. I won’t do it again.”
“Baby, you are my world, I love you and I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
& There are so many more phrases that sting to this day that I could go without hearing for the rest of my life.
The verbal abuse turned to physical abuse. Fighting back did no good. I felt stuck. I felt unloved. I felt unseen. I felt like I would never be enough. No matter how hard I tried to please him, I felt it would never be good enough.
One Sunday, I was reminded in a sermon that God was on my side, and he would fight my battles, that I needed to hand it over to him. I began to pray. I began to ask God to show me more hidden areas of lies and to give me the strength to stand up for myself and my babies.
He showed up each time I prayed.
I had lots of hard-headed moments due to me being weak. I would say, I am leaving this time and then he would change and be better for a while, which I thought it was permanent. God would show me that it was not.
I FINALLY (with lots of support and prayers) left. That day was UGLY and SCARY. (That is a story I will share on a podcast.)
I knew that God had me and my babies. I knew that we would be fine.
Over the next few years, I took time to learn who I was and to love myself for the first time EVER.
I had so many people speak life over me and pray for me and remind me that I AM a daughter of the King.
God placed the right people in my life at the right time, and I am forever thankful for them. I even more thankful for a praying momma and dad.
I had kept my abusive relationship away from my parents because I didn’t want them to know how bad my life I had gotten. They never stopped praying for me once they found out (the day I left). The continued strength I have comes from those covering me in prayer.
I don’t regret my past, and I don’t hate my ex. … Don’t think I was all happy about it and forgave him right away. Forgiveness is hard and I had A LOT of resentment in my heart towards him. God showed me that my life had to happen to be part of my testimony and I believe part of his.
As of today, and for the rest of my life, I AM ENOUGH, and so are you.
If you question whether you are enough, remember that God makes no mistakes
Psalm 139:13 – 14 “For you formed my inward parts: you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.”
If you have found yourself in an abusive relationship, please seek help. Find someone to talk to that will help. & KNOW you are ENOUGH.
God’s love and mine,
Carrie
