I Prayed for This.

As we finish out the 21 days of prayer at church and prepare for a night of worship and praise this Sunday, I can’t help but look back on the past year. 

Where was I a year ago? 

Where am I now? 

Am I seeing the prayers God has answered or just worrying about the next ‘request’ on the list? 

This time last year, I was lost. I was hurt. I was stressed, I was angry. & I felt defeated most days. 

This time last year, I was dealing with the emotions of preparing for my baby to be one. I was experiencing the loss of the ‘baby’ phase, the joy of entering toddler-hood, the fear of not knowing what I was doing, and the mom guilt of feeling like I didn’t soak up enough of the ‘baby moments.’ 

This time last year, I was mad at myself. I wasn’t happy in my career. I was letting the motivations of others become my motivations instead of focusing on the type of planning that brings me joy. I was stressing the bottom line of my business instead of following my career call and letting God handle the rest. I was worried about what others around me thought more than how I was feeling and how those feelings were affecting my family. I was mad that I wasn’t happy, but wasn’t doing anything to fix it outside of telling myself to just push through another week of work. 

This time last year, I hated my body. I let the insecurities my parents placed on me in childhood creep back into my mind as I looked at myself post-partum. I focused on new wrinkles from a year of sleepless nights, stretch marks from creating a little human, the extra ‘baby weight,’ the random 1 wild hair motherhood and my thirties has given me on my chin, the crazy baby hairs framing my face from a year of nursing my child, and the fact that gravity has come to say hello. I hated that I wasn’t ovulating yet, and our idea of a second child close in age was out of our control. I was mad my body needed rest and had aches instead of cherishing the marathon it had just taken me through. 

This time last year, I was putting myself in isolation. I was speaking doubts and fears over my life, receding from friendships, feeling insecure, and only putting half of me into any conversation. 

This time last year, I wasn’t anywhere near where I wanted to be. 

So, I prayed. 

I remember the day vividly. I woke up to get ready, take Cecil to daycare and go to the office. It was a Murphy’s law type of day. Literally, from the minute my feet hit the floor, everything felt like it was working against me. It had felt that way for a while, but today was especially annoying. I cried on the way to daycare while my little man looked in his mirror concerned. I said, “Lord just let me get through this first meeting, so I can go work from home and be alone the rest of the day.” And He answered that prayer. 

On my way home from my first meeting, I called my grandmother. She knows me better than anyone else, and she could immediately tell I sounded off. She asked me what the rest of my day looked like. I told her I had moved some meetings and listed off the mile long to-do list I had to prep for the rest of my week. To my surprise, she said, “Well good. Don’t do any of it. Just go home, eat a snack and say a prayer. Take a nap if you need to, but you have to slow down today. & you need to talk to God.” 

I rushed her off the phone with some excuses and said I would just call her back after work to talk about dinner. 

But then I thought about it. That day really did feel like a breaking point. Not that it was any better or any worse than the ones before, but that it was more of an ‘icing on the cake’ type of thing. 

Maybe I did need to schedule in a nap later and eat a snack. And I could just pray while I set up my home office. 

… but that wasn’t what God had called me to do. 

He had used my morning, my team, my grandmother, and my husband to all tell me in some form to take a moment to breathe that day … and I still wasn’t listening. 

I got home, I did a half thought out quick prayer just to check it off my list, and I tried to get to work. My internet had to be restarted. My computer needed an update, my phone app for my office line wasn’t working. NOTHING WAS GOING RIGHT. I was loosing it. The frustration was welling up inside me, and I bust into tears. Like big ugly tears. 

I fell on my knees. 

I prayed like my life depended on it. 

I gave up on my fleshly control. 

I conceited to God. 

I don’t know how long I prayed. I don’t even know that all of it made sense in the beginning when I was so upset. But God knew the weight of my heart. He knew the compounding hurt and pain I had carried over the last year. He knew my desires and my goals. He knew how to give me peace and grace. 

When I finally calmed down and felt like I couldn’t pray or say anything else, I got up, made myself a PB&J and sat down at my table with my phone. I wrote the biggest things I was carrying and struggling with on a list to pray over and give control over to God everyday for however long it took. 

I asked to feel found. I asked to release the hurt I had from family and the grief I had experienced over the last year. I asked to let the weight of my stress be put on God’s shoulders. I asked to overcome the anger I had been bottling up. I asked to feel victorious for where I was and how far we had come no matter what others said. 

I asked to feel confident in my motherhood. I asked to give myself grace in this season and just love our little family where we are in this journey no matter what and with no regrets. 

I asked to for God to guide my career. Help me love myself and my job without the weight or critiques of others. I asked him to take my financial stress and help me focus on finding an impactful path I was passionate about.  

I asked for forgiveness for my body. I asked to be grateful for it and see the beauty in the scars. I asked for grace in healing and patience when growing our family. 

I asked to be surrounded by a like minded community. I asked for the encouragement to find friends with God centered families for both my husband and I. I asked for the confidence to be present and vulnerable. 

I asked for God to help us follow His purpose and His call so that we could find joy with his presence at the forefront of our lives. 

And then I took a nap. 

Turns out, between life, a big cry, releasing everything to God and writing out my biggest most personal prayers, I had exhausted myself. & my granny was right; a nap would do me good. I hesitated for a moment thinking of the work I was neglecting, but I remember even the great prophet Elijah ran off for a snack, a nap, and some Godly reassurance - so obviously I could too. At this point, I had nothing to loose. 

I texted my husband before I laid down and told him I had had a day and was napping. He said he would be home in 45 minutes, would wake me up and we could talk. Knowing the stress and burdens I had been carrying, I was so sure he was going to be upset with my “waisted day.” But I could not have been more wrong. Andrew came home, woke me up with some Tylenol, a fresh water bottle and one of his biggest hugs. I felt undeserving of his compassion in that moment, and I think he knew it. He isn’t much of a “feelings” guy but he immediately comforted me and asked to talk about it. We spent the rest of the afternoon talking about our goals and prayers we had together and independently that we could pray over each day. 

Today, I look back at that moment and the list I edited with him in my phone, and I am overwhelmed with happy tears. 

A year later, I feel as though I have found my calling. I am healing my spirit, mind and body. I am learning to set boundaries for stress. I am happy. & I feel like I am on the path to a lot of little victories for my family. 

A year later, I am comfortable in my journey as a mother. I am embracing the chaos, trying to live in the moment and giving us all grace as we learn, grow and evolve together. 

A year later, I like myself and where I am. I don’t have all the answers on the evolution of my career and the next steps for that journey, and that’s okay. I have the peace of knowing my husband will forever be by my side as my biggest fan, and God will endlessly provide for our family even when the math doesn’t quite math. I am okay with the unknown and instead of staring at it with fear, I am looking at it with curiosity. I cannot wait to see what God uses me to create in this world. 

A year later, I celebrate my body. I’m well into my third trimester and expecting another little guy after Cecil’s second birthday. I love the life my body has given me, the adventures it has taken me on, and the lives it has now created. Like any good mode of transportation the bumps and dings are just memories and milestones in our rear view mirror, and I cherish each one. 

A year later, we as a family are confident in our dreams, goals and prayers. We know who we are and what we want to be. We are surrounding ourselves with strong Christian support groups and opening up our lives and home to new vulnerable friendships that are giving us life and praying over our little family. 

A year later, I am along for the ride. I am surrendering control, and excited to see the path God keeps us journeying on! It’s not longer about focusing on where I want to be, but instead focusing on where he is taking us. 

A lot can happen in a year. 

A lot of prayers can be answered. A lot of healing can happen. A lot of growth can ensue. … and most importantly, God can bring you so much joy if you surrender to His  call and His plan. 

I still feel insecure or unsure about what I am doing or where we are headed most days … and unfortunately, that’s just a side effect of being human. But the big difference is now, I see the work God is doing and I have FAITH in turning it over to him. 

The story of Moses shows us it’s okay to ask God questions and feel unsure. We are human. The key is just to dive in with Faith and turn those questions and insecurities over to Him. 

If we read Hebrews 11, the “Faith Hall of Fame,” we can see a wide range of people from the Bible being remembered here from all different walks. The big commonality is all of their moments started with simple day to day actions taken in Faith. The constant line in each memory is, “by Faith,” and when we are operating by Faith, God will take care of us. 

I’m living answered prayers. 

If we stop, pause and look back, we all are living answered prayers. 

And I have Faith that this year ahead will come with more answered prayers, blessings, and joy from our Heavenly Father. I pray you spend 2025 walking in Faith, listening to His call, and giving praise for the answered prayers on your journey, 

God’s Love and Mine, 

Christina