Healing.
In my last blog, I spoke about a hurt that had broken me.
A hurt that caused me to lose sight of who I was. I was in a place where I questioned if I was enough. I was far gone. Felt worthless. Felt unseen. Felt unloved.
Then God reminded me that I am HIS daughter. Because I am His, I am MORE than enough.
When the realization sank in that I was enough, I knew I needed to begin the healing process. For me the first step was forgiveness. I had to forgive my ex-husband for all of the pain and hurt he caused during our time together.
Matthew 6:14 says, “Forgive others their transgressions; your heavenly Father will also forgive you”
Forgiveness was hard…VERY hard. I felt like he didn’t deserve it. I felt like if I forgave him, then I would be pardoning everything he put me through. I honestly wanted him to feel some level of pain, because in my mind he thought he had done nothing wrong. Who did I think I was? God? None of this was my place. God even tells in Deuteronomy and Romans that vengeance is His. I did not need to do anything except to heal my heart so I could forgive this man.
I prayed A LOT, asking God to help heal my heart so that I could forgive him.
One night, driving home from work, I was talking to God and mentioning all of the hurt I was feeling, and then I listed the names of the people who had hurt me. Before I knew it, I was saying I forgive them, by name. I began to sob, I mean sobbing like I had lost someone. To be honest, I had. I lost the old me. I let go of the hold the pain my past had over me.
I felt so FREE.
I did not get on the phone and let him know that I had forgiven him. That was between me and the Lord. You see, forgiveness is not for the other person, it is for yourself. It allows you to free yourself from spiritual bondage. Once I forgave him, my life started to turn around. I was able to focus on myself and the kids more. I started doing things that brought me joy. I was happy again.
I felt so FREE.
As free as I was feeling, I knew there was something else that I need to work on…
Forgiving myself. Forgiving myself for staying as long as I did. Forgiving myself for having my children see how I was being treated. Forgiving myself for enabling him to continue to treat me the way he did instead of demanding my worth. & Yal, forgiving myself was harder than forgiving him. It took me some time. I began to learn more about who God was and what He promised He would do for me. Learning more about Him, helped me learn more about me.
About a year ago, I sat in my closet and wept. I cried because I knew it was time to forgive myself. I did it. I listed everything I had ever done to myself and said “I forgive you”.
Today, I thank GOD for leading me, and guiding me, and showing me true love.
Psalm 34:18 "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."
I am still healing to this day.
I will tell you what I have gained since I began my healing
I am stronger
I am wiser
I am happier
I love myself more
I love others more
I find joy in just about every situation (even if I have to have a cry sess. first)
I know my worth
John 14:27 "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid."
God’s Love and Mine,
Carrie
